Would anyone please read "Admire Us" & give some critique to revis

Question:

Would anyone please read "Admire Us" & give some critique to revision?

{I hope no one see's this as too racey}

Admire Us.....

------------------------------...

Oh, these
burnin??
yearnin??
feelings
Yes, it??s
you
I
anticipate

So
dreamy,
truly seemingly
You could
fulfill
my er**ic
state

Add to my
fire
risin?? higher
than I thought
it could
ever be

Now bask
and just
admire
that one night
you spent
with me...........

Please be honest kk?

All the Best, Shad @)~>~

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: honestly....and shad, no offense...but it's complete drek and blah....if it's a first attempt, well, at least you're trying your hand at it, and no harm in that...

if you're trying to impress somebody like your closest friend(s) or something fine...

but too, as far as revisions go, well this was from your ideas of what you wanted to express, so revisions from anyone else besides you would be useless, and methinks worthless, eh?

back to the drawing board, okay....

just keep working til it comes out....and it will hopefully get better!!

take care, eh?!

oh PS: this was just one person's opinion, but you asked for an honest one, and I gave you what my personal opinion warranted...no harm, no foul in all that...