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Can i get an honest critique for this Poem, Please?

i was having a bad day and at work when the system crashed so i wrote this down since it as rattling around in my head
its not very polished just yet.
please give your honest opion, no matter if its good or bad. thanks

With Light 5/9/2007

with in the light
i want to be
with in the light
i try to be
with in the light
i'll never be
for darkness is all that i am
all i will ever be

In light i step
am i finally free
sabatouge engaged
light is ripped away
with in darkness i step
mind slipping away
chains rebound
freedom fades

Within darkness i am
for its all i am


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: It's not bad. The second Stanza is pretty good but the first one is a little repetitive and that works better at the beginning of the line rather than the end. Actually I think this could work well as a song.The first stanza is structured with continuity which is good for it because it helps give it a feeling of unchanging sadness which seems to be what you're trying to get across. The third and fourth lines of the second stanza is when the structure gets disrupted which fits because that's when sabotage (quick spelling note there) is engaged.

All in all you've done a pretty good job, but I might suggest you watch some Monty Python or Bill Hicks or listen to Get Your Rocks Off by Primal Scream or Rag And Bone by The White Stripes. Just to help you cheer up a bit, I know life is **** sometimes (trust me I know all too well) but it's much more fun if you're in a good mood. Of there's always the possibility that the poem doesn't reflect how you feel and you're fine but just in case.

P.S It's spelled "within". It's only important because it's easier to read.