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Question:

A killer.... I need feedback on this story, please.?

http://www.urbis.com/media/view/73713/a-...


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: You asked for feedback, so I hope you do not block those of us who chose to respond. Learning how not to take a critique personally is part of writing. Read what is written and try to learn from it. It will make you a better writer!!

First and most important, your writing needs work??too much passive voice, problematic grammar and punctuation (ie: independent clauses incorrectly connected, improper use of "it's" & awkward use of semi-colon) ??just to name a few things you need to work on. Remember, the use of too many prepositional phrases tends to be confusing to your reader.

Additional observations:
sickening sickly sweet??? seems redundant
farther NOT further
toward NOT towards
How would the killer know the white foundation was special ordered for albino skin??
It is not believable that the killer could "slip" the flashlight from the gunbelt.

You definitely have the beginning of what could be a good story. It just needs a lot of work.

Good luck.

EDIT: You may want to reconsider the title.