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Question:

Can someone please tell me how to improve this poem??

Please, I want your honest opinion. No kiss *** answers please!!!

The cold autumn frost shields the morning sun, the world dark.
Glistening shards of ice cover the ground.
My head swirls and buzzes in fascination as I watch the morning news.

??Seven wounded and twenty-four dead??
I hear as I turn away in shame.
War.

I grab my little sisters tiny hand and pull her to the lake.
The beauty in the water could not be seen under the thin sheet of ice,
but she touched it anyway

She began to play in the frost covering the ice, forming lines, then letters.
The letters formed a word,
and the word was beautiful.

P-E-A-C-E


Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: Ok here's a non-kiss*** answer:

The cold autumn frost shields the morning sun, the world dark.

Line 1: The world dark isn't needed (morning sun gives the idea of dawn already. The line without that addition works for me.

Line 2 "shards of ice" seems cliche some other ____ of ice would work better.

Line 3: find a less static way to introduce the news "in fascination is too telly" "as I watch" is probably also an unnecessary addition--and very static.

Line 4: The seven wounded, twenty four dead works

Line 5: "I hear" is redundant you've already told us you're watching the news. This line needs work. Show me what shame looks like--don't tell me you are experiencing shame.

Line 6: War (Fine, as long as you fix line 6)

Line 7: Drop the word "little" when you use tiny hand we know she is little.

Line 8-9: Loved these two lines. This is the most poetic part of your poem.

Line 10-13: These lines read well. Eliminate the hyphens between peace...saying the letters one-by-one is a less effective choice.

I hope that helps. Thanks for writing.