Question:
A poem , open for criticism?
Hold my hand, and follow me
Into a world full of pleasure
Enter the forbidden doors of heaven
Explore the land full of treasure
Where the air is seductive
And the water serene
Where the sky is full of love
And the sun shines endless joy
Close your eyes
Run away from the corrupted society
Make your dreams and wishes
Nothing less than your own reality
Escape from your misery
Diminish the pain, and inspire euphoria
Take your hands and feel
A touch, too good to be real
Open your eyes and see
A land, beautiful as can be
Fulfill the empty spaces in your heart
With empathy and trust
And unveil the meaning of life
Experience a feeling beyond serenity...
As you rest on the clouds with the sun kissing your face
Experience a feeling beyond tranquility...
As you disappear in the silence of outer space
As your white soul becomes invigorated with delight
Darnkess has now become very bright
Your black soul will burn to its demise
Love and cherish those you have chosen to despise
Best Answer - Chosen by Asker:
It's a great piece. My only suggestion is that you watch the lind length in the last two stanzas. Your lines in the previous stanzas are short, but you get long-winded in the last two and it kind of ruins the flow.
Actually, I have two suggestions. I agree with Todd: your last stanza sort of comes out of nowhere. I don't imagine the world you describe to be a place where dark souls can be to begin with ... your beginning actually made me think of innocence tempted.
Anyway, it's a great piece and I hope you will share more. You get a gold star.