Interesting Poem Please read... comment please.... needs title? any help??

Question:

Interesting Poem Please read... comment please.... needs title? any help??

I look out the window to a magical sky
The moon looking down on me as if to say hi
The stars flowing all in uniform
Except for one this one so warm
The one that whispered invisible to my ear
He pierced my heart with a golden spear
He lay me in silks and in rose petals plenty
He kissed me the kiss of Lovers so many
He held me down as if to say more
He caressed my body as he slowly explored
A mole on my shoulder he seemed so intent
A sweet kiss on my belly I knew what he meant
I looked mysteriously in his baby blue eyes
I swear I saw so many a skies
He took me and knew me as I??ve never known
Such passion such mystery I think I just moaned.
* to be continued??

Best Answer - Chosen by Asker: I like this. I'm going to be honest with you, and try to give you some advice to stregthen the poem (at least in my opinion) (Line = L):

L1: I really like this line it makes me think of Magical Realism.

L2: I don't really like your end rhyme here. It feels a little trite and out of place with the seductive nature of your poem. When things feel out of place the rhyme feels forced and actually works against the strength of the piece. Maybe contrast to down in the line how the moon is up so high (play with it a bit).

L3: Again I wasn't a fan of uniform as and end rhyme.

L4-6: I liked these lines.

L7: Very pretty, evocative line.

L8-10: I like these lines

L11: The specificity of this line with the mole on the shoulder is fantastic. This is the kind of added detail that fixes the scene in the mind of the reader.

L12: again kiss on belly...good specific image.

L13: baby blue eyes is a bit overused and cliche. If you could come up with something less predictable and surprising it might be better.

L14: "a" seems like it needs to be taken out.

L15: Nice close.

So, yeah I liked this. I hope the comments helped. Take what you like, throw away the rest. It's your poem.

Title...that's tough....hmmm maybe "Under the Moon" Playing on the moons pull on tides, its literary pull on emotions, and lunacy (in this case losing control).

Thanks for writing,